


Candlelight

by WhyWhyNot



Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Gen, Internalized Victim Blaming, Not Canon Compliant, Pre-Canon, Psychological Horror, Psychological Torture, Victim Blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:00:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 4,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28268763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhyWhyNot/pseuds/WhyWhyNot
Summary: In which Colin Wallis faces fears he didn’t know he has.
Comments: 66
Kudos: 36





	1. Hope 1.1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [StrawFairy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrawFairy/gifts).



Boardwalk patrols are a necessary evil.

Colin understands why they are necessary. They allow heroes to be visible, to seem approachable, to show they are _there_. People joke about how the ‘PR’ in ‘PRT’ stands for ‘public relations’, and those do matter, those are necessary, and ‘Protectorate’ starts with ‘PR’ too.

Colin doesn’t mind being _seen_ , but he has no taste for the hypocrisy of looking for things where he knows he won’t find them.

The day is… Tranquil. It’s still early, and there are few people. Three children with their parents looking at the sea. A woman in a lace shirt eating breakfast at a café terrace. A man trying to angle his selfie so that Armsmaster will appear on it. Colin pretends to be absorbed in the comtemplation of PHQ in the distance until he’s done, and keeps going.

He’s not going to rush unduly, but he needs to do some paperwork, and work on his armor, and he doesn’t have all day.

The day appears to be tranquil. Hopefully, it will stay that way. 

Everyone needs a bit of a break sometimes.


	2. Hope 1.2

“Good morning Hannah,” Colin says.

Hannah doesn’t answer.

She’s sitting in her office with a stack of paperwork, Hero smiling at her from the familiar collector mug on the desk. It’s empty.

“I brought you coffee from the Boardwalk,” he says.

Still no answer. Hannah barely looks at him when he puts the steaming paper cup beside her, and focuses back on her paperwork without a word.

Strange.

It’s probably nothing. Mornings can be hard, even for people who don’t sleep. She’s probably just absorbed in her work.

Colin makes a mental note to ask her if everything is all right later in the day, and goes to his workshop. It’s probably nothing to be worried about. 

Hannah is likely just having a bad day.


	3. Hope 1.3

It’s not working.

Colin has been in his workshop for an hour, now, and no matter how much he tries, he can’t figure out how to do what he wants. How to do anything.

It’s not only complicated things. A lack of inspiration on more complex or esoteric projects like the nanothorns or the copy of Clockblocker’s powers would be frustrating, but not _abnormal_. The problem is that nothing is working, not even small things that he should have no difficulties doing.

He should be able to do the maintenance on his armor almost in his sleep. Right now, he can’t even think where to start.

Something is wrong.

Colin thinks about his armors, and his halberds, and all the things, big and small, he made along the years. Over a decade of work.

He can’t remember how to use anything.

Something is very, very _wrong_.


	4. Hope 1.4

“Hannah, something is wrong,” Colin says.

He’s calm. He’s calm, and rational. He’s not panicking.

He won’t panic. Not as long as he doesn’t think about how volatile the Brockton Bay cape scene is even at the best of times, how easily a fight could break out and escalate, how _useless_ he will be if he can’t even remember how to use his damn Halberd.

“I can’t… My powers… It’s not working Hannah. I c… can’t Tinker, or use my tech, and…”

Oh God. The next Endbringer fight is expected any day now. What if he doesn’t have his power back by then ? What if he has to stay on the sidelines and _wait_ , unable to do _anything_ to help?

“It’s not… It’s not only a, a power thing. All my training, in, in hand-to-hand and, and everything, I can’t, I can’t remember any of it.”

It’s gone. All his work, everything he’s done in the past thirteen years to make himself great, to make himself better, to be able to _help_ …

It’s _gone_.

Hannah still hasn’t said anything. Hannah is still doing her paperwork.” 

“Hannah?” Colin says, and he shakes her shoulder a bit.

Hannah raises her head, and gives him a look void of any interest or acknowledgement.

Hannah goes back to her paperwork.


	5. Hope 1.5

It’s not only Hannah.

Colin has tried talking to someone else, have them listen to him. Someone. Anyone. 

Robin. Samantha. Ethan. Holly. The unpowered staff stationed on PHQ. Even Dauntless.

They didn’t answer.

It’s like he’s…

Not invisible. They can see him. They know he is there, avoid him when they walk, look at him if he touches them, _they know he is there_.

It’s like he’s so insignificant to them he’s not even worth the effort of dismissing out loud.

Like he’s _weak powerless useless he can’t do anything to help why would they even **bother**_?

Something is wrong.


	6. Hope 1.6

They’re mastered. They must be. It’s the only explanation that makes sense. 

Colin isn’t sure what to do. 

Thinking. He needs to _think_. He still has his mind, and he can _use it_. 

He’s not useless. _He’s not_. 

There are… There _are_ Stranger and Masters protocols, of course. Passwords and codephrases, keeping eyes on each other at all times, that sort of thing.

They aren’t particularly useful when everyone is already compromised.

Colin himself is probably compromised, too. Everyone else is. His… His powers don’t work. He’s the one everyone else is dismissing.

The computer in his office isn’t Tinkertech. Colin turns it on without any problem.

He’s still the team leader. He still has the right access credentials.

He puts PHQ on lockdown. No one comes in.

No one comes out.


	7. Hope 1.7

No one on PHQ give any reaction to the lockdown, and Colin is torn between relief and horror.

They’re _mastered_. It appears… relatively innocuous right now, and Colin is aware he’s being unreasonably emotional about it, but it might change. He needs to keep them _away_ from civilians.

They’re not reacting. It’s a good thing. Colin knows that if Hannah went off the deep end, she could find a way to blast her way outside, could nuke the entire city without leaving the building, but she’s not doing that, they’re not reacting, and for now at least, it’s a good thing.

They’re his team. They’re his _team_ , and he took them prisoner, and _they’re not reacting_.

He calls Director Piggot. He needs to explain the situation, so that outside, uncompromised perspectives can deal with the situation.

She doesn’t answer.

Colin tries again, and then calls other PRT lines in Brockton Bay, then in other departments. He called the BBPD. Chevalier. Dragon. Random Guild and Protectorate members. 

No one answers.


	8. Hope 1.8

Colin doesn’t know what to do.

What is he supposed to do? Everyone is compromised, himself included, and he has no way to communicate with _anyone_.

Maybe there’s some kind of device or power effect at play, stopping his calls. God, he hopes something is stopping his calls.

He hopes it’s not something _worse_.

What is he supposed to do ? He can’t do anything, not with his, his powers _not working_ , and everyone, everyone doing like he’s not _real_ ,like he’s not _there_ , what, _what is he supposed to do?_

A phone is ringing in Holly’s office, and she doesn’t seem to notice it, and what does Colin have to lose?

He answers.

“Armsmaster,” says a woman’s voice, and he has to sit down not to collapse in relief.

He’s not completely alone.


	9. Interlude 1.x - Revelations

“You deserve it,” Faith says.

There is a confused silence on the other end of the line.

“It’s your fault,” Faith says. “None of this would be happening if you had been good. If you had been a real hero.”

“Who are you?” Armsmaster asks, and Faith has been punishing false heroes long enough to notice something under the firmness of the tone. He’s scared.

He brought it on himself. She hoped she wouldn’t need to pass judgment on him. She always does.

“It’s your fault,” Faith says. “This is your guilt. Your sins. Your darkest parts. Nothing would have happened to a true hero.”

She doesn’t take any pleasure in her work. His suffering brings her no joy. But the people deserve better than false shepherds.

“You deserve it,” Faith says.

He’s scared, but it’s not enough. It is time to up the pressure. 

“ _Who are you_?” repeats Armsmaster.

She is the one who watches the watchers, who brings to light the lies of those undeserving of the name of _hero_.

“Call me Revelations,” Faith says.


	10. Charity 2.1

Revelations.

Colin has… heard about her.

Her powers are hard to parse. They change with every fight.

No.

They change with every _victim_.

Fears. Insecurities. Guilt. All turned against the people who felt them, taking external shape until the breaking point.

And then, Revelations kills.

At least, it explains why his powers aren’t working. Why he lost his work, the things he fought for for over ten years. Why people have stopped _acknowledging_ him. 

Revelations goes after heroes.

Dart. Express. Heap. Radio King. Nightro. Others, whose name he can’t remember at the moment.

Colin knew Dart. She was a good person. And Nightro was only a Ward.

Colin doesn’t have his powers, and there is a serial killer after him.


	11. Charity 2.2

“What are you _doing_?”

The phone clatters on the floor, but he gives it no mind.

Holly is talking to _him_.

Colin isn’t as relieved as he thought he would be.

It… It doesn’t make any _sense_ , not _after_ Revelations called him to tell him he deserves to suffer?

The phone call, the loss of his powers… It fits with Revelations’ patterns when she targets a hero. It makes no sense for things to get _better_.

Colin wishes he could be relieved, but as Holly, irate, stands before him, he can only fear things might be getting _worse_.


	12. Charity 2.3

Holly is angry.

 _Too_ angry.

It’s not that she’s usually passive, or meek. She’s not. She wouldn’t have been able to work as his receptionist otherwise. Colin is more than aware that some of the people trying to get in contact with him aren’t necessarily polite, or… Mentally stable.

Colin has seen Holly get angry before. Colin has even seen her get angry _at him_.

But not like that.

She’s… She’s _too_ angry.

She’s _shouting_ at him. She never did that before, because she works for him and shouting at the people you work for is generally seen as unprofessional and an hindrance to continued employment. 

He didn’t even do anything worthy of that level of anger. Just picking up the phone. 

Holly is too angry.

He was right. Something is very wrong here.


	13. Charity 2.4

Hannah confronts him about the lockdown.

She’s absolutely furious, and nothing he says seems to go through her.

He’s being ridiculous. Everyone has days where they are less productive, it doesn’t mean he’s _losing his powers_ , there is no need to be so emotional about it.

Nevermind that he can’t even _remember_ how to use his own tech, or what he learned in hand-to-hand.

They weren’t _mastered_ , that’s absurd. He just didn’t notice they had better things to do than to talk with him because he’s an arrogant dick with no social skills.

It… It hurts more than it should. He _knows_ people skills aren’t his strength, and he’s _worked_ on them, and he’s not _that_ bad, _he’s not_.

Of course Holly was angry at him, if he was lurking in her office like a creep and interfering with her work, what did he expect?

_That’s not what happened._

It’s not…

Colin doesn’t have friends. Doesn’t _want_ friends, doesn’t want people tying him down, people who could be used against him.

Colin doesn’t have friends, doesn’t want them, but Hannah is the closest he has to one, and it…

It hurts.

“It’s _your own fault_ ,” Hannah says.


	14. Charity 2.5

The worse part is, Hannah isn’t _wrong_ , and neither is Revelations. Not completely.

It _is_ his fault.

Those are _his_ fears. _His_ dark, hidden parts. _His_ … His insecurities.

It all comes from _him_.

None of this would be happening if he were a different person. He would still have his powers, would still have the work of fifteen years, would still remember how to fight. He wouldn’t be _powerless,_ he wouldn’t be _ _useless_ , _he wouldn’t…

His team wouldn’t be __mastered_._

But he is, and they are.

They _ _are_._

 _A_ nd Colin is as much to blame for it as Revelations is.


	15. Charity 2.6

Director Piggot is angry about the lockdown, too. Furious. She doesn’t believe him about Revelations.

Colin isn’t stupid. He has worked with Piggot for years. He knows she doesn’t like capes. He also knows she’s aware of it, and tries to be fair anyway.

She would _never_ have said what she did under normal circumstances.

She did. She did, and a part of him wonders if it’s only because Revelations and himself mastered her, or if it’s really what she thinks of him, if there isn’t a grain of truth buried in what she sad.

A part of him will always wonder, even when this is over.

If he survives.

Colin wouldn’t say he likes Piggot, but he respects her. He didn’t think _she_ liked him, but he believed she didn’t completely despise him.

She might. Even if she didn’t, it might change. He got her mastered, after all.

Even if he wins, there will be consequences.


	16. Charity 2.7

It might be an exercise in futility, but Colin keeps looking for someone who will listen to him.

There isn’t much else he can do. Not like _this_. 

He doesn’t… He doesn’t try to call Chevalier and Dragon. Chevalier is too far away to intervene, and Dragon is probably busy with something more important, and they were affected by the previous master effect anyway.

It’s not because he can’t bear the though of them acting like they hate him, like he’s stupid and worthless and unable to do anything right. It’s not. Even if he knows it would hurt more coming from them.

Colin starts with Robin, because Samantha and Ethan generally come in pair, and Ethan is already hard to deal with at the best of time, but Robin gets mad, and then Samantha cries and then _Ethan_ gets mad, and the only thing to come out of it is that Colin somehow feels even worse.

Attempts with rest of the unpowered staff doesn’t wield any positive result.

It only leaves Dauntless.

At least, Colin knows he won’t be hurt by his disdain or anger.


	17. Charity 2.8

It sounds like Robin and Dauntless are fighting.

Not physically, fortunately. That’s a complication Colin really, really doesn’t need. But their voices are raised, and some of the things Robin are saying are pretty nasty.

It’s a bit strange. Colin was under the impression that Robin and Dauntless were fairly good friends. 

A part of Colin, the part that resents Dauntless for his power, for his effortless popularity, for his ease with people and how little work he puts in his own growth, the part that feels anger because Dauntless will surpass him and won’t even _earn_ it, that part feels… vindicated. Almost happy. _Relieved_.

It looks like Colin isn’t the only one getting unusual amount of vitriol today. It looks like nice, kind, _perfect_ Dauntless is getting some, too.

Colin tries to ignore the petty ugliness of that whisper in his head, and the part of him saying it’s his own fault, for not being _good enough_ and _strong enough_ and _fast enough_ to keep up, for letting himself be distracted and not _being enough_ , and the part telling him that Dauntless at least still has his powers, doesn’t he?

At least, Dauntless looks more tired than angry.


	18. Interlude 2.x - Dauntless

Armsmaster.

Great.

Shawn almost slams the door shut. He’s not in the mood to talk with _Armsmaster_.

“What do you want?” Shawn asks.

“A serial killer is after me,” Armsmaster says.

For a fugitive instant, Shawn's mind goes blank, and then all he can feel is hot, syrupy rage filling in the pit of his stomach.

Is he coming to him for _help_?

“It’s Revelations,” Armsmaster continues, mistaking his silence for encouragement. “It’s… The others are mastered.”

Revelations. Shawn heard that name before. She’s the one who makes people’s thoughts turn into powers. If the others are mastered…

“It’s your fault,” Shawn says.

Armsmaster flinches, and Shawn feels his anger grow at the confirmation.

The others are mastered to follow Armsmaster’s thoughts. Armsmaster hates him. Robin just stormed out after insulting him.

Armsmaster made his best friend hate him.

“ _It’s your fault_ ,” Shawn repeats.

The hot, syrupy rage bubbles up and threatens to spill out, and his hand closes around the Arclance.


	19. Grace 3.1

Colin might technically be on the run. Leaving his post without warning is… Frowned upon. 

Dauntless…

Dauntless didn’t actually attack him, physically, but it came too close for comfort, and Colin deemed it too risky to stay on PHQ.

It’s escalating. Indifference and dismissal at first, then anger and verbal abuse. Violence seems like a logical progression.

Colin would rather not be near trained capes when it does, so he left. Civilians are still a danger, without his power, tech or training, but at least there is less risk of collateral damage. 

He could have gone home, but he didn’t. Too easy for his team to track him down if things escalate to that point. Hannah came there once or twice, and the address is on record.

Instead, he took a room in a seedy motel, the kind that doesn’t ask for ID, and paid in cash.

He’s going to catch some sleep, and then try to find Revelations.

He doesn’t have any better plan.


	20. Grace 3.2

Colin can’t sleep.

It’s not… Unusual, exactly, for him to lose himself in work and forget to sleep, or to willingly forego it in order to work some more, or to try to sleep and be kept awake by the knowledge of how much he has to do, and how much time he will _waste_ sleeping.

There is no point in staying in bed, tossing and turning and awake. He might as well start working on his plan to deal with Revelations.

The problem is, he’s not sure where to start. He doesn’t know how to find her without his tech, or his team, or the ressources of the PRT. He’s, effectively, a civilian.

The problem is, he’s not sure if it’s only stress keeping him awake. It’s not unusual for him to miss sleep, but he doesn’t _like_ sleeping, often wishes he didn’t _have to_ , and his own thoughts are being turned against himself.

Colin is tired, and he can’t sleep, and he desperately hopes it isn’t Revelations’ doing.


	21. Grace 3.3

The phone in the dirty motel room rings.

Once. Twice. Three times.

Colin doesn’t answer it.

The phone goes quiet, then rings again.

This time, Colin picks up.

“Good morning, Armsmaster,” says Revelations.

Colin freezes.

Stupid. Stupid. Weak. _Useless_.

“Good morning, Revelations,” Colin says, and hopes he sounds calm, and confident. Hopes he doesn’t sound _scared_ and _lost_ and _pathetic_.

He doesn’t think he’s entirely successful.

“You should give up,” Revelations says. “It’s only going to get worse. Let me end it.”

“It’s only going to get worse because you will _make it_ ,” Colin says, and he hates himself for the pleading note in his voice.

Weak. Pathetic. _Useless_.

“You deserve it,” Revelations says. “It’s your own fault. You brought it on yourself. Don’t blame me for your sins.”

There is a silence, as if Revelations is waiting for an answer, but Colin can’t think of one.

She’s right.

“Remember,” Revelations says, “the only thing you need to do for this to be over is to let me end it.”


	22. Grace 3.4

Other attempts to sleep leads to no result whatsoever, and Colin is almost sure Revelations is responsible, now.

He’s been up for over thirty hours. He’s _tired_.

There are screams in the hallway. Someone is banging on his door, yelling insults. Colin recognizes the receptionist’s voice, and the fake name he gave him for the register.

Damnation. 

He climbs out of the window and onto the fire escape. He paid in advance anyway.

He hears another voice trying to calm down the receptionist before he gets out of hearing range. Probably another staff member, one who didn’t interact with him.

Colin feels his stomach twists. He hopes the receptionist won’t be fired because of this. He’s mastered. It’s not his fault.

It’s Colin’s.


	23. Grace 3.5

Colin has been up for almost forty hours.

His head hurts. It’s hard to think.

The side of his throat is throbbing. The cashier tried to strangle him when he went to buy himself a bottle of water, but he managed to escape.

He’s in an empty alleyway, now. No one to make angry.

He doesn’t… He doesn’t remember how he got there.

His head _hurts_. 

_Everything_ hurts. 

Colin tries to remember known effects of total sleep deprivations.

Confusion. Memory lapse. Headaches. In the long term, death.

He wonders how much time “long term” is.

He wonders how much time he has.

He’s so _tired_.

He wants all of this to be over.


	24. Grace 3.6

Hannah shot him.

 _Hannah shot him_.

She… She…

He’s fine. The bullet only grazed him, and he escaped. He doesn’t fully remember how, but he escaped.

 _Hannah_ shot him.

It’s not her fault. She’s mastered. It’s not her fault.

It’s _his_.

He hopes… He hopes she won’t be in trouble because of what happened. It was his fault.

There was no witness. She probably won’t.

Hannah _shot him_.

She was on patrol, and she saw him in the alleyway.

She recognized him. 

She said his name.

And _then_ she fired.

Colin doesn’t fully remember how he escaped, but the bullet was real and had her aim be true, he would be dead.


	25. Grace 3.7

Colin lets himself slide down to the ground.

He can’t… It’s too much. It’s _too much_. He can’t keep going like this.

He’s so _tired_.

Hannah tried to kill him. His team hates him, and Piggot, and Chevalier and Dragon, too, and perfect strangers on the street, and _Hannah tried to kill him_ and all of it is _his fault_.

Everything _hurts_. His head is throbbing, and his neck, and his muscles aches, and everything is blurry in his head and he’s _useless_ and _weak_ and _powerless_ and he just wants to _sleep_.

He’s so _tired_.

He just…

Hannah tried to kill him. 

He just wants this to be over.


	26. Grace 3.8

“Good evening, Armsmaster,” Revelations says.

She’s standing in front of him, black pants and white lace shirt, and her face is bare.

Colin is tired. Colin is so damn _tired_.

He doesn’t move from where he sits on the ground with his arms around his legs.

He’s so tired. What would be the point?

Revelations sighs.

“You brought this on yourself,” Revelations says. “I hoped I wouldn’t have to hurt you. I always do, and I always have to, in the end.”

Colin is too tired to answer.

“I’m sorry,” Revelations says. “that I had to hurt you. I take no pleasure in it.”

He just want to _sleep_.

Revelations kneels beside him and runs a hand through his hair.

“It’s all right,” Revelations says, “It’s almost over.”

Colin wants it to be over.

Revelations is holding a knife in her other hand, and Colin wants it to be _over_.

The hands in his hair settles in his shoulder, and Revelations wraps him in a one-armed hug.

“You were very brave,” Revelations says.

Colin stabs the knife he was holding through her throat.

It’s over.


	27. Interlude 3.x - Miss Militia

The room is very, very white, and very, very bare. 

No blanket, or pillow, or furniture of any kind. Nothing that could be used by the occupant to hurt himself. Only a mattress, and padded walls.

Colin didn’t try to hurt himself. It’s just a… precaution. Just in case. Some of Revelations’ victims killed themselves in the past.

It took some time for Hannah to decide she should visit Colin. She wasn’t sure she would be welcome.

The last time she saw him, he was curled up on the sidewalk, with bloody hands and a corpse at his feet.

The time before, she shot him.

She knows, rationally, that it wasn’t her fault. That she was mastered. That the bullet barely grazed him anyway. She knows he knows that, too.

She still shot him. She thought he might not want to see her.

Samantha was the first to go see him. She didn’t try to hurt or threaten him, even while mastered. She was the only one not to insult him.

She told Hannah he wanted to see her.

Colin is staring at her.

“I’m sorry I shot you,” Hannah says.

“It wasn’t _your_ fault,” he says.

“I know,” she says. “It was Revelations’.”

“Revelations’. Right.”

Hannah feels like she’s missing something, but she’s not sure what, and she doesn’t want to push him.

“Are you all right?” she asks instead.

For a second, she thinks Colin is going to say _yes_ , and it will be a lie, but they will both pretend it isn’t until things go back to normal. They all will.

She almost wants him to. 

Instead, he hugs his legs, and let his head drop on his knees, and Hannah doesn’t know what to do, so she tries to wrap an arm around his shoulders.

He flinches away, and she stills.

“… No,” Colin says. “I don’t… I don’t think I’m all right.” 

Hannah isn’t sure what to say, or do.

She sits quietly with him until morning.


End file.
